the parish

In That Moment, You Feel Like An Ass

So I'm playing basketball today. Three on three. Everyone but me is under 20. They wander off after the last game to lift weights. Why the hell does anyone want to lift weights? Why not just step outside and take an ass whupping from some big thug. It's about as entertaining. Anyway, a big guy (6'3", 255) with whom I play regularly and a young kid (maybe 18) come in and the big guy says, "Wanna play 21?"

"Sure."

The young kid is very uncoordinated. Doesn't know how to play well. I kind of ignore him and focus on the big guy. Kid misses several shots badly. Big guy is up four points. I decide to pressure the kid. Steal the ball. Catch up with big guy and let the kid shoot freely for a while. Suddenly the kid hits three three-pointers in a row off the glass. I turn to big guy and say, "If he gets to 10, I'm going to guard him."

Big guy gives me a look and says, "I'm not!"

Kid says (in his best "I am Sam" voice), "How come you gun gaad me?"

Yes, he was mentally challenged. I stole the ball from a retarded kid and threatened to guard him on the perimeter. I guess big guy thought I knew. I never took the time to clear things up. I probably should have.

Go See Benjamin...

...here. And not just because he stole my line, which was probably actually Cheek's line. Someone from the old A.W.E. days take credit for me so I'll know who it was.

If Real People Wrote Movie Reviews at Crosswalk.com

This is a movie I made up, but could be anything with an R-rating.

Language/Profanity: Strong pervasive profanity. Excellent use of the f-word. Appeared as an adjective, a verb, a noun, and once as a gerund. Two OMG's and one JHC. The Lord is not pleased.

Drug/Alcohol Content: Whoever made this movie, never did drugs. People smoked weed and didn't get thirsty. No one made a burrito run at 2:00 a.m., nor did they go to 7-11 for a Mountain Dew Icey. Girl using meth had all her teeth. Totally unbelievable. Guy using cocaine had sex with two women. In the real world, he'd be lucky to get it up. Pervasive use of Budweiser. Obviously a movie made by idiots.

Sexuality/Nudity: Girls badly needed boob-jobs. If they look that bad, leave your shirt on. During a one-night stand scene, the guy hung around to talk. Did a chick make this movie? In the lesbian sex scene, both the women were hot, hot, hot. Not a chance.

Violence: Not enough. Only one guy got shot, and they didn't show any blood. One fistfight that lasted all of thirty seconds. No choreography, no bullet time, no ladders, umbrellas, hall trees or any props like in Jackie Chan movies.

Overall this movie is detrimental to your spirituality. The guy will be in the same room in hell as Quentin Tarantino and Martin Scorsese.

Objectionable Content

I was dinking around on Crosswalk.com tonight. Don't ask me why. I think I'm pathological about conservative Christians. I should find something constructive to do with my life. Anyway, came across a movie review for Miss Congeniality 2. Haven't seen it. Probably will on DVD when the hot, movie Philistine, hairdresser wife demands we see it. What struck me as funny about it was the Objectionable Content section at the bottom of the review. Helpfully, it is broken up into categories: Drugs/Alcohol; Language/Profanity; Sexual Content/Nudity; and Violence. Sounds like a good movie if it has all those elements. Under the Language/Profanity section, the reviewer, one Annabelle Robertson, writes:

"About half a dozen mild profanities (OMG) and less than a dozen mild obscenities."

All right. I assume OMG is shorthand for Oh My God. Now by putting an abbreviated version of it on the site isn't she inviting the reader to think: "OMG. That must be Oh My God. Oh my God! I just used a mild profanity in my mind! Dear Jesus, please forgive me for using a mild profanity and hindering my personal relationship with you. Restore me to my purpose. Amen." And what if it's the biggies: f-word, c-word, y-word? (I made the last one up.)

Under the Drugs/Alcohol category we have the following shocker:

"Character drinks beer in one scene; various scenes in bars with smoking and drinking; sign on refrigerator reads 'Just say no.'”

Isn't "Just say no" a good thing in conservative Christian circles? And OMG, a beer is consumed in the movie. You know what that means. Christian teens will see it, drink a beer, forget their True Love Waits pledges, bone their girlfriends, get them pregnant, wander into gateway drug usage, and finally full-fledged methamphetamine and pornography addictions. OMG. We must stop this.

Anyway. Whenever I get bored, I'm going to go read movie reviews on Crosswalk.com. Can't wait to read the review on Sin City.

The Reason I Write Senryus Like the Previous Entry

See this entry at Church Marketing Sucks about a church that spends 16,000 dollars per year on Krispy Kremes. $16,000. Folks, I've been saying sin is just a word in evangelical culture. New facilities that ring up somewhere between 18 million (Crossings here in OKC) and 96 million (Joel Osteen's idol) dollars, and now 16k on donuts. Donuts! The hot, critical hairdresser wife asked why I kept beating the same drum. Indeed...

An Easter Senryu

Bloody Jesus died
So you can eat Krispy Kremes
In church on Sunday

It's really a Good Friday senryu. We actually heard a sermon this morning wherein the pastor said that Jesus was resurrected from the dead, and because of that, we can live in the newly inaugurated kingdom. There's an idea: practice resurrection.

Benny Hinn is Coming to Town (sing it like a Xmas song)

Benny Hinn, itinerant evangelist, healer, and spokesperson for Ocean Spray (based on his hairdo), is coming to OKC April 15 and 16. The Gazette is going to let me do a story on the "crusade." I prefer to call it a show. I read in the Daily Oklahoman today that volunteer ushers would be trained for the event. I'm thinking about signing up so I don't have to stand in line for hours with the faithful. Besides, imagine how different the experience would be if I were "official." I asked my editor if I could make the review—it's going to be like a concert review—a little satirical. He said I could so long as it wasn't too offensive. Not a problem. Can't be more offensive than Benny Hinn.

Just a Question

Fox News had former television psychic and "I talk to dead people" guy John Edward on to discuss the Schiavo case. Is there a reasonable human being in the world that still believes Fox News is a news channel?

Easter. Brought to You By...

Easter. I actually love Easter. I hate church on Easter because so many pastors think it's up to them to convince us all that Jesus rose from the dead. So, they engage in silly proofs of the Resurrection courtesy of Josh McDowell or Lee Strobel. If anyone wants to read a decent argument for the historicity of the Resurrection, try N.T. Wright's The Resurrection of the Son of God, and stay out of evangelical churches this weekend. The kind of arguments they present will drive you into agnosticism. That's enough about that. We will go to a different church on Easter, where last year the pastor preached the best Easter sermon I've ever heard.

Victory Christian Center (not the church referenced above), one of our local megachurches does a huge production every year for Easter. They used to do it at the State Fair Grounds Arena. Now they have their new facility though, so they've moved it to the church. They run about 7000 people every Sunday. That was about where they were last Easter too, despite claims of having 9000 people "saved" at their Easter production. So, that should give them 16,000 members now, right? Wonder where those 9000 freshly-saved souls went. Very soon now, maybe next post, I intend to talk about that saved word. By the way, this year the production is called Rise Up. I think it's sponsored by Levitra.

This is my part of the McCarty Google Bomb for Oklahoma Baptist University.

Stage Beauty

Rent it. Watch it. Love it. I heard very little about this movie last year. It's excellent. Gay friends of the Parish, I'd be curious to hear your input about this film. I'm still not sure what the writer is trying to say about the ambiguity of homosexuality. I won't say much here as I don't want to spoil the film.