It's Holy Week! What does that mean? Full-color fliers in your mailbox announcing the latest "We've got the best dying Jesus show in town" contest. Promises of DVD players, XBoxes, PSII's, and sundry electronic devices if the number on your ticket matches the one the pastor calls out after the Easter Sunday "We've only got one crack at 'em" altar call. The chance of a lifetime: Win a Harley! Yup. Every Easter at least one church in town gives away that beast of a machine that used to represent the free and unfettered lifestyle of biker, methamphetamine trafficker, outlaw, and stinky male whore, but now represents the fettered, indebted lifestyle of the boring-ass CPA or attorney who thinks having a Harley adds three inches to his penis or at least makes the girls add three inches in their minds when sizing up Biker guy.
I received a flier last week from a local church, the pastor of which promised me: "Our experience design team has put together a great service." ***Profanity alert!*** Fuckin'A! An Experience Design Team! If the church wasn't Nazarene, they'd probably hire the Queer Eye Guys to add some ochre and moss and grapefruit just to spruce the place up (that was a color pun for all you non-metrosexuals). What the hell is an experience design team? Do we need one of those in church? Are they in charge of buying the damn Krispy Kremes and picking the repetitive worship choruses? Can I order and ottoman from them? Do they pick those cheesy nature backrgrounds on the Power Point presentation? Maybe I need to kick someone's ass on the experience design team for telling the pastor he looks like Tom Cruise as a fighter pilot when he wears that stupid, wrap-around-the-face mic, when in fact he looks like an ugly version of Shania Twain.
If Easter keeps spawning these sorts of bad ideas, I'm quitting church for good. Let's just cut to the chase: give all the guys a cheap, bitter, too-cold, American beer and a lap dance. Give the ladies a pair of Manolos and a Louis Vuitton purse. Believe me, the guys won't complain about the price discrepancy in their gifts. They each get two gifts, both genders are happy, and both are set up for the catchy sermon prepared by the experience design team about the other free gift they get this Easter: Salvation! Bring up the lights! Crank up Jesus is Alive and let's dance in our Manolos with our strippers at our sides. It's Easter, damnit! And I feel good!