Racing for the Lost

Dear Northview Community Church (of the Nazarene):

Thank you so much for having the race cars in front of your church on Sunday. My son, Joe Dirt, Jr., and I were driving by on our way to get chicken fried steak and eggs for our normal shabbos fast breaking when we saw the Avalance Racing truck in your church parking lot. Junior said, "Daddy, is that NASCAR?" I said, "Shit no, son. That's not even Busch Series." Then we saw the cars! Beautiful race cars. Four of 'em. I did a U-turn in the middle of Northwest Expressway--drove over the median--I hope God forgives me for not obeying the law of the land. But the race cars!

I wish you coulda seen Little Joe's face. The light of the lord, or Dale Earnhardt (tell me it's a coincidence his number was 3, just like the Trinity, and I'll call you a damned liar), was in his face. We were a little nervous walking in to your service, and I'm really sorry we were 20 minutes late, but I couldn't get Junior away from the beautiful race cars. (Good thing they ain't got titties or I'da never got him inside. Me either, if I was to be honest...)

Anyway, we were saved this morning thanks to your race cars and Pastor Tony's admittedly disjointed and rambling message. I still don't know what race cars have to do with Christianity, but if they're allowed, I'll feel closer to Jesus. So will Junior. If other churches cared as much for the lost as y'all did, they'd have race cars out front too. Or Hooters girls. Maybe some Bassmaster guys. That would kick ass, just like my old Trans Am. Man, she was beautiful: black with t-tops and a gold bird. I used to crank Molly Hatchet and smoke weed til I...Oh, sorry, Jesus.

If I might offer a word of advice in addition to my thanks, I'd recommend that next time you give Hot Wheels replicas for each person that accepts Jesus as their lord and savior. That would kick ass!

Thanks, Northview
Joe Dirt, Sr.

After reading that beautiful letter, I visited the church website and found this promo paragraph:

Fathers won't want to miss Dadpalooza on June 21st at Northview. Muscle cars and motorcycles and breakfast just for the men provided by our youth department. Don't miss it!

Alas, I missed it.

Comments

[Lin Wells]

You pointy headed intellectual. I bet you have never even been to a NAZCAR, and now you are trying to tell us what's wrong with our Bible. You should go see Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. That is a deeply spiritual movie. You might just find Jesus there before he finds you and washes your mouth out with a bar of Palmolive.

[Phil]

Is it a requisite that you have doucher eye-glass frames to be a minister there? Or do they issue them when you're hired?

[Leighton]

I'm not going to discuss what "Sign up for the Pastor's PIT Crew" sounds like to someone so far out of the NASCAR loop that I have to google terms more technical than "car" or "racetrack."

[dr dobson]

. . . whereas acts of mercy in the form of wrapping presents at the mall at Christmas or handing out bottles of cold water at a baseball game simply speak for themselves. I'm glad to see that they're really trying to show the heart of God to the lost and dying world hiding out there somewhere.

[dr dobson]

. . . and we'll gladly fix-up your piece of crap car as long as you give us via our unsecure website your driver's license number, your insurance information, your annual household income and agree that one of us will get priority over your hunk of crap if there's a line. May God Bless You and keep your ride error-free, nonetheless.

Oh yeah, we have a lawyer who attends who was kind enough to cut/paste a meaningless disclaimer in this area of our ministry, too, so hope you don't mind agreeing to that, too. Mmm, hmm; bye now, God loves you and so do we.

What's that? Hungry? Our food pantry is fresh out, I'm afraid. Your car looks a little out of sort. Have you seen our website where you can sign up for car healing? Hmmm, I see, you don't have a computer. Well, perhaps you can go to the library--they have them for free use last time I went to one and saw all of those people using them. Sign up for your free car care clinic at our website--move along now, God Bless.

[Plano Michael]

giggle