My hot hairdresser wife and I like to talk about an anomaly that brings clusters of nerds or freaks or pervs to the same place as a wormhole. If you're a science/Star Trek nerd, do not tell me what a wormhole really is; I'm already aware of it. Today was wormhole day in OKC.
It started in Byron's Liquor Warehouse. I was trying to pick out a bottle of Cabernet. An older couple (mid-60's) is pushing two carts down a main aisle. I hear the nice Asian lady who works there ask, "Can I help you?" The woman says, "We're looking for wine. We love wine." The husband chimes in, "We're wine connoisseurs!" How nice, I thought, looking at two carts full of wine in a box and screw-cap bottles. "What can I help you find?" The nice lady asked. "Yellow Tail," the wife said. Ah yes, Yellow Tail. Nothing like a $6 bottle of Australian wine to please the sophisticated pallate of the wine connoisseur! "What's his name?" The nice lady asks. I finally notice a large-ish white poodle in the front cart stashed between boxes of Franzia. "Heh-heh!" The old guy laughs. "Merlot! We named him Merlot because we love wine so much!" Wine connoisseurs who love poodles. Am I in heaven, I wonder as I scan the American Cabernet aisle.
Wormhole #2: The hot hairdresser wife goes into Walgreen's to buy her drug of choice: M&M's. Standing in front of her in line is an extremely obese woman in a blue polyester outfit. The shirt is navy and powder paisley with some royal blue thrown in for variety. The pants, royal blue. The hair: unwashed for weeks, it appears. She engages the cashier in some crazy banter. She notices the sign saying you can't sell tobacco to minors. "You get in big trouble for that!" She remarks. She has the cashier triple-bag the electronic singing Santa in sunglasses playing a saxophone she's purchased! She says, "Can you triple bag that for me? I'm going to give it to my husband; he's in the car." Hmm. Is that the nut-bag version of gift wrap? But that's not what she came to Walgreen's for. Why is she in Walgreen's? Ready for this? She wants to buy a fruitcake! A fruitcake! Get it? A crazy woman buying a fruitcake! Is that the definition of irony?!
Wormhole #3: Starbucks. Two older (60's) ladies buying coffee. They get two tall coffees. They hand two dollars each to the barista. He pulls 75 cents from the register and attempts to hand it to either of the ladies. They refuse to take it. "We paid separately," one of them says. "You paid at the same time," barista guy says. Both ladies just give him the look. Great. I'm sixth in line and these two freaks are holding up a line because they want 75 cents split two ways. Here's the deal: give your bitchy friend a quarter or 50 cents. Either way, the most you lose is 12 cents or so. If your budget is so fixed that you need to bitch about 12 cents, maybe you should be buying your coffee next door at Village Inn.
Yes, I'm in love with humanity today because it's wormhole day. Last time this happened, they had a "Where is Atlantis" conference at Border's. I'm not making that up.
Once, while driving home, I passed a boy walking an unusually small dog. Werid part? He was wearing a full, rubber Eddy Munster mask. Luke said "What the Fuck?" and all I could manage was, "Where do you even GET an Eddy Munster mask?" I promise, come to Shawnee for Wormhole day, everyday.
Posted by: Sarah | December 03, 2004 at 11:56 PM
Wormhole #4: it might not qualify as that, but oddly enough I have a hot hairdresser husband! Of course in these parts, he's a "stylist." (we own a children's hair salon--he does all the real work and I keep the books, do the website, etc.)
Posted by: Marla | December 04, 2004 at 01:38 AM
Great stories Greg. See, I miss Oklahoma. In Dallas you just get Republican soccer moms driving their SUVs while talking on their cell phones and trying to control their 3 children.
Posted by: Scott Jones | December 04, 2004 at 11:19 AM
Shawnee is the epicenter of wormhole activity in the world. About a week or so after we saw Eddie Munster, Sarah and I were driving down our street and we saw a woman (probably around 60) carrying a fully inflated, nude blow up doll into her house. I hoped that it was for a gag or some sort of party prop, but I cannot shake the disturbing image from my mind that she may be using it for...other activities. Eek!
Posted by: Lucas | December 04, 2004 at 11:58 AM
Perhaps these 'wine connoisseurs' should be forced to head for their local theatre to watch _Sideways_? I'm sure they'd get a kick out of the merlot references ;)
Posted by: James | December 04, 2004 at 03:25 PM
James,
Some friends have seen it and highly recommend it. I've heard the Merlot line already. I usually watch these things on DVD which means I'll be seeing it in six months.
Posted by: greg | December 04, 2004 at 03:49 PM
Your Walgreen story reminds me of a time I was
in Target. I was going to get my film developed.
I started digging through my purse which has been called the "bottmless pit" by a friend who I swear has her credit cards in alphabetical order.
As I pulled the camera out the flash went off. I did not think anything of it until I got my film
back. The last picture was of the guy in front
of me. Not just an average picture but a picture
of his rather large behind. I never make fun of
people who have a weight problem (since I once
knew what it was like) however, this was funniest picture I ever saw. If not the best picture
I ever took.
Posted by: angel | December 05, 2004 at 04:31 PM