Existential Crisis

I've spent the past few weeks trying to decide whether or not to keep this blog alive. I've been at it for 51 months now. That's longer than I thought I'd ever keep it active. In the beginning, I intended it to be a critique of Christianity and culture. Then it became a way of tracking my thoughts through grad school. Then it was questions about ecclesiology, followed by specific questions about kaleo, the Nazarene Church, and faith. That was followed by my growing skepticism which ultimately led to my abandoning Christianity. I never envisioned this blog as a serious critique of anything. I always thought of it as personal reflections on whatever was on my cranial dashboard, and I assumed some folks would like it and some would hate it. (That was especially true of my extended critiques of Lifechurch.tv and substitutionary atonement.) It has allowed me to "meet" some wonderful people, as well as actually meet some people. It has created a crisis in the Nazarene Church, created stress for my friends in that church, got me fired from Southern Nazarene University, earned me some harsh criticism from Christians and the non-Christian who runs sliceoflaodicea.com, cost me some money with a wire service I write for, and allowed me to flesh out many, many thoughts. I am deeply grateful to longtime reader/commenter/friends, especially Leighton (I still remember the Visiting Atheist/Resident Atheist days.), Zossima, Dallas Tim, Bad Christian, Zalm, Whiskey Prajer, Goz, April, Ninja Nun, Carlos, coffee pastor, wasp jerky, fr. jakes, kevin powell, and others. Believe it or not, you have helped me work through some serious issues in my life, serious thoughts about life and faith, and difficult moments in my development as a person of faith and faithlessness.

At this point I will probably continue blogging. I am not sure what the primary subjects will be. I am weary of faith talk. I am weary of being a gadfly. I am prohibited, by my own choice, from blogging about my experiences as a professor because of confidentiality issues. I hate personal journals about the minutiae of life. If someone has a story, like my friend Kristen, I appreciate personal blogs. If not, it seems an exercise in ego masturbation. So, this is not an appeal for encouragement. I do appreciate the emails I receive for comments about particular issues, and I will probably get to those, but I don't want to be the critical voice all the time. I told a friend today that I'd like to write a book about something, but I don't believe anything. Everything that matters seems so ad hoc and transitory right now. Maybe I should up my dosage. Peace.

Comments

[Jay Kelly]

You should visit the Oracle. I visit her tomorrow. Can't wait.

[awall]

Greg,

It's not clear to me that you don't believe anything. I'm not an "avid" reader of your blog, though I've read it casually from time to time and it seems you believe quite a bit, even if in a negative sense. For example, you believe many Christians get the gospel all wrong. You believe that the atonement is not best understood in a substitutionary fashion. You believe its wrong to be judgmental of others, but right and good to be self-critical. You believe that helping others, particularly people that are helpless, is good for Christians to do because of something very internal to the Christian understanding of the world. Jesus, you even believe Radiohead fucking rocks, and they certainly do. You could write quite a bit of things of which you believe. You'd have a readership too I think.

However, I think your problem isn't with not having anything to say, but with being tired of saying it. But that is just what I gather. Would you say this is accurate?

[VeganTrav]

Greg,

This has been a thoughtful, intelligent blog that has stimulated many great discussions. If you decide to cease blogging, your thoughts will be missed. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

VeganTrav

[april]

glad to hear this (probably) isn't the end, greg. keep it up. as someone who debates daily the fate of her blog, i can undersand the temptation to throw in the towel (particularly when you have as little to write about as i do) but in the end i keep coming back to the weird relationships that have formed through it. i'm loathe to lose those connections... and would be sad not to have the parish to come visit!!

(maybe the blog just needs a new name??)

[brett]

you are a peace for me in my vagabond blog travels. one I return to often because I know it is a safe place for truth. peace be with you Greg.

[Jeff]

Thanks for the shout-out. And thanks for writing at all. I was drawn in by your critiques of church practice and theology, and I stayed for the commentary on culture at large. I told my wife about your post on mixing Lunesta and wine, and we still laugh about it whenever one of their commercials comes on TV.

Whatever you end up writing about, theology or no, I already know that it'll be entertaining and intellectually stimulating.

[Brandon Rawson]

Just here to /sign my support, its weird as i read the front page of this, half of it seems like i've been writing it myself as i begin to reflect on my beliefs that have been enstilled in me by family and friends. Anyways, take it easy prof horton; my advice to anyone reading this comment, follow south park..don't hate one particular group of people, hate everyone equally! later.

[M. Corley]

And you have helped us, sir.

[Kevin Powell]

If you decide to quit your blog, the blogosphere will be diminished. You add a healthy dose of thoughtful, critical thinking to what can often be a loud, hysterical, medium.

I've enjoyed having an ally in trying to articulate a reflective faith, rather than an angry, dogmatic religion.

You ask good questions. I encourage you to keep at it.

kgp

[jamie]

There was a point when I deleted my blog after the drama following my own critique of Lifechurch. I don't regret deleting it, but I did begin to blog again. It took some time, and my blogging has changed (more photos, less critique).

[Whisky Prajer]

Funny, but I've been entertaining the same "To blog or not to blog" question. Three or four years should pretty much clear out the carburetor dung in most people -- it certainly has for me. My hunch is that if I am going to continue in any meaningful way, I'll have to branch out and explore some foreign (to me) subject matter -- e.g., art forms that don't lend themselves to easy digital exploitation (something non-YouTube). Such transitions require focus and patience, and other virtues uncommon to the blogosphere.

Some years back a friend of mine went on a chaperoned "Vision Quest," somewhere in Montana, I think. The deal was, he was provided with a tiny cabin in the woods in which he slept and did his fasting and whatnot. The outfit that hosted him required him to trek to a flagpole every 24 hours to run up a flag, this being the signal that he was in good health and didn't need medical attention. I've come to regard most blogs, including my own, as that sort of flagpole: just a quick indication that we're still breathing and stimulating the gray matter just a little.

Any young pup intent on going to seminary, or into the ministry, is well-served by your posts and the resulting commentary (including that of the trolls). If you decide to call it a wrap and move on, I'll understand. But if do you go that route, please give some thought to a possible flagpole. Some of us have grown quite fond of you.

[Zossima]

Greg, I'd hate to see the blog go for a variety of reasons. Your writing and the path you have taken over the past 4 years that I have been visiting here has been influential in my move from evangelical to a more social justice oriented faith and now to largely jettisoning the religious element altogether in favor of a much broader embrace.

You have an ability to cut to the heart of issues and to form simple questions that expose the silliness of cultural and religious assumptions. That has been a tremendous help as I sometimes didn't know how to articulate my own swirling thoughts and feelings.

But I can see that you've deconstructed religion to the point that there's not much left to say. And to some extent, even if there is, you just don't care. I'm there, too.

In my own personal writing, I still think about what Jesus means (particularly since I don't buy into the religious systems that have trademarked his name), I still think about christians who exemplify something of what I think Jesus actually is about and whether or not they know something I don't, and I think about how redemption, forgiveness, inclusion, etc.--things I believe we all desire--exist outside of and in even better forms than within the Church. (For example, the juxtaposition of how Springsteen dealt with the death of a band member and how my own fundagelical family dealt with the death of my uncle at the same time was very poignant for me.) Finally, I think about spirituality in general and ethics in a post-christian world.

Perhaps those spark ideas for your own writing. Maybe not.

I suspect that even if you shut this down, you will reappear somewhere because you are a writer. I want to know when that happens. I'll read whatever you write.

Peace.

[Chris_from_Alaska]

Greg,

As they like to say on radio shows, "long- time listener, first-time caller". Or almost. While my move to California interrupted my getting to know you better (I'm back now, since both my boys fell in love with Oklahoma girls), I have respected your intellect and opinions since I first met you...or as I said to Weedle, "HE's the guy who writes for the Gazette"?

I'm not afraid to say that your blog has challenged me, helped me to grow and has on more than one occasion given me something to chew over mentally. You recently wrote this about theology, sermons, and faith talk: "They are words strung together to explain the silence and absence of God." My musings over that one actually sparked a minor fight with my wife, but damn if it didn't express the way my own thoughts had been leaning. Expressed far better than I could have put it, of course.

So this is a simple "thank you". Few writers have captured my attention to the degree you have and to not voice my appreciation while I have the opportunity would be sad. I hope that you continue to blog, Greg, but either way...thank you.

[Leighton]

Greg,

Sorry that I'm joining the thread so late. I can't think of a damn thing to say that doesn't sound like a eulogy, so I'll keep it short and say thanks for hosting. The journey goes on, and so do we...

[Kristen]

We love you, sir.