The Return of Dick Rock, or Another Stripper Anthem

Nickelback has always seemed to me to be emblematic of everything that is wrong with mainstream rock: trite, monotonous, cliched--a least common denominator for people who still listen to hair metal stations on satellite radio. I was unfortunate enough to live through the 80's, and even have to admit to seeing Motley Crue, Cinderella, Bon Jovi, and Ratt live. (The Scorpions too, but I won't label them an 80's hair band.) Motley Crue went from edgy dick rock to commercial dick rock: 10 Seconds to Love became Girls, Girls, Girls. That transition led me to the conclusion that songs written about strippers or for strippers are never good. Never.

Witness Nickelback's new, stupid single "Something in Your Mouth." If 80% of the strippers in America haven't ground the pole to this song by the end of the year, I'll buy you a lap dance. And I'm willing to bet half of them will do so with a lollipop and a "pretty pink thong." I'm happy to admit that sex and angst are difficult to write songs about, at least if you want to write good songs. (Two exceptions: Rachael Yamagata's "Don't" and Bell X1's "Reacharound", the latter of which qualifies as mainstream rock.) But I'm equally sure that this new effort from Nickelback is no better than a hormonal poem the average high school freshman could produce. The saddest part of this story is that Nickelback actually utilized Mutt Lange on this project. The sound is different, thanks in part to Lange's input, but the songwriting is still Kroeger's awful work. And I hope that the nod to hip/hop throughout the song was Kroeger's awful idea, not Lange's. Kroeger sounds like he dug out all the Timbaland recordings he could find, assuming there are any available of Timbaland writing and rapping after a six-day mescaline high, and then wrote a cute little three-line rap to change up the band's monotonous sound.

I have another bold prediction regarding this song. People are going to love it. I mean love it. It's catchy. Wall of sound guitars, a throaty growl, a bit of a "white boy drunk on beer beat" to dance badly to, and lyrics about strippers and blowjobs. Oh, I know. The lyrics actually say she's sucking on her thumb, but does anyone actually believe that isn't the most obvious euphemism in the world? Combine paper-thin euphemisms with songwriting that includes the scintillating lyrics "dressed up like a princess, bettin' that her skin smells better than the scent of every flower in the desert, come on!" and you get music for lap dances. It's the only context in which music like this makes sense. Unfortunately, it won't just be played in strip clubs. And equally unfortunately, Nickelback is going to sell millions of copies of this single in various formats which will only encourage more bad music. I am hopeful that new projects like Chinese Democracy can revive mainstream rock, but I'm not all that hopeful. It may be a genre that has exhausted itself in its own vacuity. The fact that Kroeger felt the need to add faux hip/hop to his single signals that even the performers have little confidence in their product standing on its own.

Comments

[emergentninja]

what in the hell were they thinking? how is the kid, who just started playing guitar, and leads the praise "band" going to change the lyrics just enough to make this a creepy song about jesus?

challenge:
change the lyrics just enough to make this a creepy song about jesus.

[j-fo]

I have a Nickelback poster on the wall of my cubicle at work. I love the look on people's faces when they first see it. They tilt their head, look at me, then look back at the poster. I can never keep a straight face, though. I'm a horrible liar.

[dr dobson]

interesting article in Sunday's NYT on Axl and his "Chinese Democracy" adventure. Though I haven't ventured to Best Buy to buy my very own copy yet, suffice it to say that there is nothing "new" about it.

Funny also that the Chinese are pissed about its message, the irony of which will escape 99% of the listeners (including perhaps the artist responsible for it, as well).

Isn't complaining about Nickelback a little like complaining about looking for actual musicianship in someone like Rod Stewart, yet not finding it? At least in my day (read: Bon Jovi/Whitesnake/White Lion/and yes, the beloved Scorpions) they all sang about Tommy's six-string in hock and bitches being hungry we must "give [them] inches and feed [them] well".

Like Aqua-Net on the tour bus next to the box of Magnum Trojans, some things are just universal, Greg. Some things are just universal . . .

[greg]

Justin,

You've inspired me to put a poster in my office at Redlands (yes, i'll actually have an office there) of Rascal Flats.

Dob,

I hope I'm complaining more about people actually liking them. It still mystifies me. I don't want to believe most people are stupid, but...

[cheek]

I'm liking your music commentary of late, but what I'm really waiting for is your take on the current BCS foray into the land of the Kafkaesque.

[greg]

John,

I almost never talk about sports on here, but the only thing I have to say about the BCS is that it makes no sense that so many people believe we HAVE to have a national champion. It's an assertion without any merit. Professional sports? Sure. It's kind of the point. I'm not so naive that I don't realize these athletes are not just playing amateur sports, but I do think extending the season at all is a pointless risk to their academic and physical health future. Less than .5% of NCAA players make an NFL roster. We ought to focus on educating the other 95.5% and let everyone argue about who the champion is. I, for one, do not care.

[Amanda Fortney]

nickelback is the greatest band ever. i can't believe you would diss them like that. i mean, come on, a line like, "are we having fun yet...yeah, yeah...." pure genius.

as far as the bcs, i think we could just shorten the regular season by a couple games and have an 8 team playoff or something (and then you don't have to worry about their academic/physical health future). i think that was actually our president-elect's idea. and i like having a national championship-OU winning the 2000 national championship is something i'll never forget. i think it makes the season more exciting knowing every game could make or break your way into the championship.

one last thing: where are my cookies?!!!

[Greg Horton]

did you check your pockets?

[Amanda Fortney]

ha! you're funny. :)

[Moon]

I miss Duran Duran's "Girl's on Film." At least you knew when they were singing songs about sexuality that half of their music was a bit of sarcasm and pop star delight of practicing exactly what they preached, or, rather, banged!

Otherwise, I prefer the social commentary of M.I.A., particularly "Paper Planes."

--Moon

[virtual girl]

Come on, songs with sexual lyrics always sell like crazy.

[Stripper]

It is a great story. I think so is it - a big poster....

[adam smithee]

Funny stuff, but you failed to bring up the fact that Nickleback is performing the half time show at this years Detroit Lions game and the fans are none too happy. I can't say I blame them as they were part of the closing ceremony of the winter olympics in Canada. The Lions fans started petitioning the Lions organization to find a different band.

As improved as the Lions have played this year it really is a brain fart by their organization to bring in a band from Canada when the city of Detroit has such rich musical history. I hope the fans boo them off the stage.

But concerning the Mutt Lange and his contributions to the world of music. One could argue his biggest input was AC/DC's Back in Black and it is a classic album. But those aren't exactly the deepest of lyrics. Def Leppards biggest album was Hysteria and those lyrics come across like a boys junior high poem contest. His lyrical content with Shania Twain wasn't great either but obviously less sexually referenced. So this isn't surprising he's associatign himself, yet again, with poorly constructed lyrics and with one of the worst bands of all time.